Hate to hope

I have a lot on my mind (I know, what's new right?) and I feel like I am always complaining recently. I don't mean to do that, so I've been trying to spice things up with BSB videos and awesome recipes. The last thing I want to do is bore you with my issues. I know things will pick up soon but the last two months have been an avalanche of crap since George.

So the big thing lately is marriage. Matthew and I have been together for almost four years.

It's time.

We talk about it, and it is something we both want. I'm ready, but he is worried we won't be able to support ourselves. I think we will be just fine. Obviously it does not matter what I think... he is the one that has to make the move. These conversations always end up going in circles and only come up once every other month or so. I have tried to "be good" and not mention it, but lately I have had trouble containing my emotions. I guess everyone has a breaking point and I am definitely at mine.

It would not have been so bad except I had an awful experience on Saturday with my family. My cousin got married in March. I'm sure you remember.. she was the one I thought was going to make me wear a pink camo dress for her wedding. They both work at McDonalds, and he proposed to her at Mickey Ds. You remember now? They ended up going to the court house to get married the day after her mom's birthday. Now on to my point. I was talking with my cousin, her mom, and my sister about marriage and proposals. My aunt was concerned that Matthew and I have been together for so long and he hasn't "popped the question" yet. My cousin, the angel that she is, decides to pop in saying that her and her husband starting dating in November and were married in March. When I thanked her for reminding me she just smiled. It was very thoughtless when obviously I was upset over my own situation. I was thinking that if they can both work at McDonalds and she can afford designer jeans and coach bags, surely Matthew and I could make it.

So we had another talk last night. I'm not sure it accomplished anything and I decided today that I am done with it. There is absolutely nothing I can do and I won't leave him if he never asks me, so what is the point?

Then I come home and he tells me he wants to go shopping this week for "sparkly things." All I could say was "are you serious?" and "don't do this to me if you aren't." I want to be excited, but he has done this before. I don't want to hope because hoping has led to disappointment in the past. I'm not sure what to think.

Any advice? Am I completely out of my mind?

I hope this is the last downer post for a while... sorry guys!