Every time I log into facebook I feel like I see another picture of a baby or another announcement that one is on the way. I guess that comes with the territory of being in my mid-twenties (oh boy does it feel weird to type that).
I go through cycles of wanting a little one. For a few months it is all I can think about, and then I snap out of it, realize Matthew and I are no where near financially ready for a child, and decide we are just fine as we are for now. Right now, though, I find myself back in the first phase.
It seems irrational, really. We can barely take care of ourselves. How in the world would we support a tiny human? Part of me wants to be rational and put these feelings aside. The other part of me believes that if it is God's will for us to have a child, he will provide. It is that faith I am leaning on right now.
I want to be pregnant. I want to have the experiences that come along with it... hearing the heartbeat for the first time, telling all our friends and family, feeling it kick, watching Matthew when he feels it kick for the first time, watching my belly move, holding that sweet baby in my arms for the first time and kissing its sweet little face at every opportunity. It's scary thinking about all the "what ifs" but I believe the good will definitely outweigh the bad.
It is so frustrating to want something so badly but know you shouldn't have it right now... or to worry that you may never have it. I know the responsible thing to do is to wait until we are stronger financially before we start trying. We are taking measures to prevent pregnancy so my only hope right now is the God has a bigger plan for us than we do. Maybe he'll surprise me??
And then there's that.... getting my hopes up. I have been disappointed so many times. Many months I have experienced symptoms and would fall asleep dreaming of the little one I was positive was coming, only to see multiple negative tests and horrible periods. I want to get my hopes up now, thinking that maybe those couple of days I had to double up on pills because I forgot to take them would result in pregnancy. I have no symptoms, except for the ones I've created in my own mind. However, when my period comes in a couple of days (I know, tmi, I'm sorry) I will undoubtedly be disappointed. I don't know what to do with myself.
I guess I need to hold onto the hope that our time will come eventually. I should spend my time focusing on building my business so we can be more secure and in a better place to start a family. I should be happy... not jealous... of my friends who are expecting or who have little ones. It is so difficult but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone and that I have survived many "baby fevers" before this one. I can appreciate that the journey to parenthood is often not straight and pretty and there are many others who struggle on this path as well. It will all work out in the end, eventually, even if it's not the way we initially thought. But the anticipation may just kill me.
Read More
I go through cycles of wanting a little one. For a few months it is all I can think about, and then I snap out of it, realize Matthew and I are no where near financially ready for a child, and decide we are just fine as we are for now. Right now, though, I find myself back in the first phase.
It seems irrational, really. We can barely take care of ourselves. How in the world would we support a tiny human? Part of me wants to be rational and put these feelings aside. The other part of me believes that if it is God's will for us to have a child, he will provide. It is that faith I am leaning on right now.
I want to be pregnant. I want to have the experiences that come along with it... hearing the heartbeat for the first time, telling all our friends and family, feeling it kick, watching Matthew when he feels it kick for the first time, watching my belly move, holding that sweet baby in my arms for the first time and kissing its sweet little face at every opportunity. It's scary thinking about all the "what ifs" but I believe the good will definitely outweigh the bad.
It is so frustrating to want something so badly but know you shouldn't have it right now... or to worry that you may never have it. I know the responsible thing to do is to wait until we are stronger financially before we start trying. We are taking measures to prevent pregnancy so my only hope right now is the God has a bigger plan for us than we do. Maybe he'll surprise me??
And then there's that.... getting my hopes up. I have been disappointed so many times. Many months I have experienced symptoms and would fall asleep dreaming of the little one I was positive was coming, only to see multiple negative tests and horrible periods. I want to get my hopes up now, thinking that maybe those couple of days I had to double up on pills because I forgot to take them would result in pregnancy. I have no symptoms, except for the ones I've created in my own mind. However, when my period comes in a couple of days (I know, tmi, I'm sorry) I will undoubtedly be disappointed. I don't know what to do with myself.
I guess I need to hold onto the hope that our time will come eventually. I should spend my time focusing on building my business so we can be more secure and in a better place to start a family. I should be happy... not jealous... of my friends who are expecting or who have little ones. It is so difficult but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone and that I have survived many "baby fevers" before this one. I can appreciate that the journey to parenthood is often not straight and pretty and there are many others who struggle on this path as well. It will all work out in the end, eventually, even if it's not the way we initially thought. But the anticipation may just kill me.
